The On-Line Northern Inquirer

In a surprise development this week, the Yukon Party Caucus resigned en masse from the Yukon Legislative Assembly and announced they were fielding their party leader as a candidate in the federal election. The new party --re-christened the "Bloc Yukonaise"--will be running on a separatist platform, advocating "Free Association with the Rest of Canada," says a party spokes-person.

What that means, according to sources inside the new party, is pretty much what "Sovereignty Association" means in Quebec: "We get to associate with the rest of the country for free. We do whatever we want and the ROC pays the bills. Really, it's only a natural development from the situation as it exists in the Yukon right now, anyway."

In furtherance of this new vision, their party leader and now federal candidate--re-christened "Jean Hosta-cheques"--will be plying the hustings with a new look and sound. After a crash course in sleep-learning Jean Chretien's "De Henglish, Dere, How She Gets Spoke" the former Government Leader is now taking a whole new approach to political rhetoric.

"Hus guy hup 'ere," says the the freshly-minted Franglophone, "we don' got no problem with dem French guy down dere, no sir. Dey pretty smart guy, dem guy. Dey know what side de hold croissant, she get buttered hon, lemme tell you, yes sir."

A further advantage of running federally, says a party source, is that this time they only have to win one seat to win the election.

"Winning seven or eight seats in the Yukon Legislative Assembly is just not on for us, anymore," says the source. "We couldn't get a fair hearing in the last territorial election, because nobody gave a tinker's damn what we had to say. With this new approach, we've only got a fresh message, and we only 'ave to sucker de Yukon public hinto hit de hwun time, dere."

Four years ago, Canadians went to the polls in an ugly mood. They were mired in debt and divisiveness--English Canada against French Canada, Western Canada against Eastern Canada. Pessimism and cynicism ran rife, and nobody believed the politicians could do any good, or even intended to do any good. The nation stood at a crossroads.

Now, four years later, Canadians are going to the polls in an ugly mood. They are mired in debt and divisiveness--English Canada against French Canada, Western Canada against Eastern Canada. Pessimism and cynicism run rife, and nobody believes the politicians will do any good, or even intend to do any good. The nation stands at a crossroads.

Actually, this looks a lot like the same crossroads. Like, maybe we've just been standing around for the past four years?

In any case, we all know that federal elections are the most important events in the world. (Except for the Stanley Cup, of course--difference between federal elections and the Stanley Cup being that in the Stanley Cup the best team usually wins.) So it is in the spirit of acknowledging the supreme importance of this monumental event that TNI here offers you a brief, balanced precis of the pros and cons involved in the choices available to you in this, the most crucial election the country will ever face except for maybe the next one.

Shirley Adamson, Gliberal Party

Pro: The Gliberals are going to win the election anyway, so why don't we just get on-side so we can get a place in line at the public trough?
Con: What the heck is the Yukon going to do with *two* boat-loads of free money from Ontario?

Ken McKinnon, Progressively Less Conservative Party

Pro: The Tories have a thorough understanding of the fiscal crisis that faces this country.
Con: They know so much about it because they caused it. Which is why they presently have fewer seats than your average family car.

Louise Hardy, Nerdy Dumbguy Party

Pro: At last, a Pinko who looks good in pink.
Con: Fresh young face unfortunately fronts for the same stale, old ideas.

Ken Gabb, Uninformed Party

Pro: Appearances to the contrary, this guy is no egg-head.
Con: The Uninformed Party should always hold their conventions in snowstorms. That way they would have an explanation for all those flakes flying around all over the place.

Geoffrey Capp, Christian Umbrage Party

Pro: A known quantity. Basic, Christian values. You know what you're going to get with this guy.
Con: What you're going to get is a bigot.

Doc Don Brannigan, InDUHpendent Candidate

Pro: Has a deep understanding of the cosmic synergies that guide the universe.
Con: Spends more time in outer space than most Shuttle astronauts.

So there you go, Fellow Yukoners. Choose your poison. But get on out there and vote! Yes sir, mark that ex! And remember to use the ex, not the check mark. Because whoever you decide to vote for, you've just come up with the wrong answer.

I'm madder than a YTG Deputy Minister buying his own lunch about the kind of treatment the federal Gliberals are giving Doc Don Brannigan, for crying out loud!

First they tell him they don't want him to run for them. Then, when he runs anyway, they trip him up and run him out the door!

Is this any way to treat the Yukon's most distinguished physician? Doesn't anybody recall the lonely, heroic battle he carried out against the Chicken Gizzard and Pig's Blood Epidemic that was sweeping this territory no so long ago?

Oh, sure, the local medical bureaucrats covered everything up and pooh-poohed Doc Don's methods. But if it hadn't been for his connections in the Philippines, a lot of Yukoners would still be walking around with chicken gizzards in their legs and backs and eyes and places like that!

(By the way, I personally had to have a chicken gizzard removed from my posterior area, but that was a non-medical procedure, and a different story altogether.)

Now, nobody to this day knows how those chicken gizzards got into so many Yukoners; and science is still baffled by how chicken gizzards came to be associated with pig's blood. But Doc Don was the only guy around with the vision to make the right diagnosis and prescribe the right cure.

Okay, so every once in a while Doc Don gets a little vague about reality. Personally, I think he might have one of them chicken gizzards stuck in his brain, and the pig's blood could be causing some swelling. But, what the hey, that's nothing that a quick junket to the Philippines won't fix.

And, that done, Doc Don will be the clear choice for the guy we need in Ottawa. Who else is going to pull the chicken gizzard out of this country's ailing economy?

To get an earful, send your comments to:

Ned Anger,
Editor, TNI,
Third Cubicle from the Left
Men's Room, 98 Hotel Tavern
Whitehorse, Yukon
Y1A 01Oh who the hell knows


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